Batman's Guide to Defeating the Arkhamites Easier
by Patricia de Lioncourt
Summary: A series of drabbles. In each, Batman will reveal, in his bestselling guidebook, how to defeat his rogues' gallery with ease!
1. Poison Ivy

A/N- Okay, so this is a series of drabbles written in the form of a How To book. This is dedicated to my fiancé, for giving me the idea. As for the format of this story, in _italics_ will be what is written in the guide. In normal formatting are the scenes. Now, let's remember that this is supposed to be silly and fun. I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimerness- I don't own Batman. It belongs to DC Comics and WB. I'm making no money off of this. Trust me. This applies to this and all following drabbles in this series.

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**Chapter One**

**Poison Ivy**

_Materials needed: one plant (does not have to be one of hers, but one of hers would be preferable), one gun (loaded or not is your choice. See note about guns at the end of the chapter)._

Poison Ivy hid as her giant Venus flytrap threw out its thorned vines at Batman. With each hit, a tear formed in his bat suit. Trying his best to watch Ivy's movements and the flytrap's movements, he looked for a good potted planet specimen. This would be crucial to his survival.

_Step One: Locate potted planet. DO NOT allow yourself to be open to attacks. Located plant small enough to be held in hand, but large enough to make an impression. Do so quickly._

Batman ducked and rolled as Ivy ran out from behind her flytrap and shot a few of her crossbow arrows at her. The plant did not bother to stop even as she did this, continuing its attempt to capture the Dark Knight and make him its meal. Rolling as far to the right as quickly as possible, Batman made a quick grab of a large plotted African Violet plant.

_Step Two: Make it known that the plant is in your possession. _

"What are you doing with that, Batman?" Ivy screeched as he stood, holding the plant up in his left hand.

_Step Three: Make your intentions known._

Batman reached around to the back of his utility belt. From there, he withdrew a small pistol and held it with its barrel pointed towards the plant.

"Give yourself up, or the plant gets it, Ivy," he said, cocking the gun.

"No! No, you monster! You can't!" she screamed.

"Give yourself up!"

The flytrap stopped moving, as if awaiting her orders. Slowly, with her hands up, she came out from around the plant.

_Step Four: Do not relinquish the plant until she is safely in custody._

Swinging down from where Batman had told to him wait was Robin. He turned Ivy around, cuffed her hands behind her, and led her out of the greenhouse that she had been using as her hideout.

_Materials Amended: One sidekick (your call)._

_Note: Guns are only, ONLY to be used in this purpose alone. Never are they to be applied to sentient beings. The gun will only appear in this chapter of the handbook and is not permitted to be used on any other villain._

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End Notes: Okay, so that was cute, right? Now, as for chapter two, who would everyone like to be see handled? I'm open to suggestions. Also, I hope that this chapter did not offend any ecologists or whatnot. It was meant purely for fun. Be aware that this author would never intentionally shoot a plant. 

Note on the Fight Between Batman and Poison Ivy: If the fight scenes seemed vaguely familiar, it's because I based off the scene in the ol' Super NES Batman the Animated Series game level where you fight her. Which was, in turn, from a few of the episodes of the series.


	2. Catwoman

A/N- So, it took me a while to get back to this, but the votes were cast, and I had to put some thought into the result. I'm glad that everyone enjoyed the previous chapter, and I hope that you will enjoy this one as well.

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**Chapter Two**

**Catwoman **

_Materials Needed: One cage large enough to hold a human with bars no farther than four inches apart, several bags of Pretty Kitty brand cat treats (or brand of your choice), and basic stealth skills._

_Step One: Locate Catwoman._

Catwoman landed softly on the ground in the shadow of a large building, her cat--Isis--attached firmly around her shoulders. Suddenly, Isis put her head in the air, sniffing. Meowing, she leapt from her mistress's shoulder, running off into the darkness of a nearby alley.

"Isis? Where are you going?" Catwoman whispered.

_Step Two: Carefully, in a neat line, lay out cat treats._

"Where are you going, Isis? What are you doing?" Catwoman asked, following her beloved pet.

Isis, for her part, was walking a few steps, stopping, dropping her head to the ground, and appeared to be eating something. However, just as Catwoman would seem to catch up with her, she would run farther ahead.

_Step Three: Applying any stealth skills you may have, have yourself and the cage (with the cage open) hidden in the shadows. Your line of cat treats should end at the back of the cage._

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Isis stopped, mewing angrily. Catwoman smiled and sighed. Bending down, she hoisted her pet into her arms.

"Bad kitty," she said, in a voice that showed that she was not really all that angry.

_Step Four: Quickly, shut the cage._

Suddenly, the sound of something squeaking and metal hitting metal filled Catwoman's ears. It was not long before the jewel thief realized that she was in a very large cage.

"Hey!" she shouted.

_Step Five: Make your presence known. Do not gloat, but do make it acknowledged that you are very proud of yourself._

Catwoman hissed as Batman landed in front of her cage, a smirk on his face and his right hand held out.

"I'll take that diamond you stole earlier this evening, Selina," he said.

Now positively growling, she held the diamond out. Batman took it and shook his head disapprovingly as he placed it in his utility belt.

_Step Six: Cuff her and be on your merry way._

Minutes later, Selina Kyle was still muttered and growling darkly as she awaited being charged with her crime of theft at Police Headquarters.

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End Notes: Okay, so how was this one? Now, just as before, who do you want to see next? Ivy and Catwoman are down. Please review! 


	3. Riddler

A/N- Sorry for the long wait. It takes me so long to get back to my comedies. So, this chapter is Riddler. I actually had a tie between him and Joker. So, Joker will be the next chapter. But, in your reviews, why don't you go ahead and tell me who you want to see after Joker?

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**Chapter Three**

**The Riddler**

_Materials Needed: One Rubiks cube, some superglue._

_Step One: Superglue the Rubiks cube so that it will not turn and that it is not solved. Do so before encountering the Riddler._

_Step Two: Engage the Riddler in a fight._

Batman cornered the Riddler at the back of the Puzzler Inc. toy factory. The Riddler had never been much of a fighting sort. Once he realized there was only one choice—fight or be captured—his knees began to quake.

_Step Three: Address the Riddler with general hero-villain dialogue. Note: Make sure it applies to the situation at hand. For example, if there are no hostages, do not begin with, "Let them go. It's me you want."_

"Give it up, Nygma. You've got nowhere else to go," Batman growled, holding himself so that he appeared to loom over the man. The Riddler set his jaw and let out a small growl of annoyance himself.

"I don't give up easily, Batman. I can think of a way out," he responded.

_Step Four: Insult his intelligence._

Batman let out a dark chuckle. "Is that so?" he asked. "If you're so smart, then why did you run into a corner?"

The Riddler looked like he was fighting against stamping his feet like a spoiled child.

"Shut up!" the green-clad villain shouted. "You're no match for me, intellectually!"

_Step Five: Offer up the Rubiks cube as a challenge. Toss it to him. Do not approach, as it may incite running._

"Then try this, Nygma. I'll bet you can't even solve this simple Rubiks cube," Batman said, reaching into his belt, pulling out said toy, and tossing it lightly to the Riddler.

The Riddler caught it easily and let out a "ha" of indignation.

"I'll have this solved in no time," he said, beginning to try and move the colored squares into rows of like colors.

However, after a few moments of trying, the Riddler cried out in frustration. The parts of the cube simply would not move. He pulled and pushed on them, almost breaking into a sweat with his effort. He even tried to employ the cloth of his jacket to turn the sides, as if it were a jar of pickles that couldn't be opened by hand alone.

"What's wrong with this stupid thing?" he asked to no one, seemingly to have forgotten that the Dark Knight was only a foot or so from him.

_Step Six: Take advantage of the Riddler's distraction. Simply walk over and cuff him._

The Riddler's eyes were only on the Rubiks cube. Batman reached into his utility belt and withdrew a pair of batcuffs. He closed the small distance between the two, and quickly grabbed the Riddlers arms to cuff them behind his back.

"Hey!" the Riddler exclaimed, seeming to suddenly remember Batman's prescence. "What's wrong with that thing?"

The Rubiks cube had fallen to the floor. Batman pushed the Riddler forward towards the factory's exit, ignoring the rigged toy.

"Seriously," Riddler continued, "what's wrong with it? You rigged it, didn't you? What did you do? Tell me! How did you make it so it wouldn't move? Tell me, Batman!"

_Step Seven: Ignore the Riddler's raving, but do not deter it, as you carry him back to Arkham._

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End Notes: Okay, sorry for the long wait. I hope this was as funny as I was trying to make it. Like I said at the top, Joker's next, but still please vote for who you would like to see after him. Please review (and vote)! Thanks!

Disclaimer- I don't own the Rubiks cube. I think it belongs to Mattel.


	4. The Joker

A/N- Once again, reviewers, you guys are awesome! Thanks for all the great reviews! Here's our next villain! And please, don't forget to vote!

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**Chapter Four**

**The Joker**

_See warning at the end of this chapter._

_Materials Needed: A map, personal stamina (for running)_

_Step One: Prepared ahead of time, locate a store with a name that will attract the Joker's attention. Then, make sure the store is not quite what it seems. Using your map, find the back-alley way to that store. _

Joker cackled loudly, sure that the Dark Knight was still right on his heels. Which was fine. The game would play on. Just because Batsy had spoiled his fun at the Mayor's benefit, doesn't mean that it had to end.

The Clown Prince of Crime turned down a dark and dirty alleyway and paused for the briefest of moments. He was sure he had seen the Bat's shadow up the adjoining alleyway to his left. He turned to the one on his right.

_Step Two: With carefully prepared movements, block off the Joker's path to all but this store._

Joker emerged, finally, onto a darkened street with no cars in sight. He huffed, giggling quietly. He needed a distraction now. He was getting tired of Batman chasing him. Looking up, his eyes fell on a nearby store's name. _The Harlequin Corner_. He laughed one loud, short laugh. Approaching the store's glass door, he busted the lock and made his way inside the darkened business.

_Step Three: Once Joker is inside the designated store, slip inside, bringing no notice to yourself. Hide yourself in the shadows, waiting for Joker to make a run out of the store once he realizes where he is at._

Joker was midway to the back of the building, looking for all the things the store's name implied that it had—joy buzzers, squirting flowers, and the like—when he finally noticed. He paused, a horrified expression on his ever-grinning face. Ladies undergarments—lacy panties and bras—and lingerie—from the simplest gowns to the most complicated teddies—hung all around him. All items were done in a red and black theme with card symbols decorating them. He growled in aggravation and horror once the shock wore away. Turning, he made a mad run back towards the front of the store.

_Step Four: Once you hear Joker's approaching footsteps, hold your arm out horizontally in the "clothesline" position. Wait for it._

Joker was staring back at the shrinking underthings. He did not even see the Bat's extended arm until it was too late. With a groan, he fell to the ground, unconscious.

_Step Five: Restrain the unconscious clown and deliver to Arkham. If you're feeling whimsical, use some of the lingerie to do so._

_Warning! Do not mistake that you can use Harley Quinn as bait for the Joker. He will leave her to be captured to avoid the same fate. Just because he keeps her around doesn't mean he'll help her. Be advised._

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End Notes: Okay, so what do you think? I hope it was funny. I had a hard time with this one. There is actually a whole bunch of unorthodox ways to catch the Joker. Kudos to Slinky_And_The_BloodyWands for helping me pick this one. Please review (and vote)!


	5. Scarecrow

A/N- Sorry for the long wait on this. You would think, being a series of drabbles, that this would get updated faster. Well, apparently not. To be fair, I was pretty focused on a couple of my other fics, trying to finish them off. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy this one, and please remember to vote for what villain you would like to see next!

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**Chapter Five **

**Scarecrow**

_Materials Needed: Alternate persona Bruce Wayne, the media, one partner, and basic stealth skills._

_Step One: Immediately after you have learned that Scarecrow has broken free of Arkham, have it announced through various media sources (i.e. newspapers, television, etc.) that Bruce Wayne will be holding a large benefit to raise money to restore the Walkman Home (or any other rundown establishment or home rumored to be heavily haunted)._

Surely boy billionaire Bruce Wayne was the stupidest man in all of Gotham. It was this thought that amused Jonathan Crane, better known as The Scarecrow, as he read the announcement for Wayne's benefit to restore the old Walkman place. Scarecrow was the self-proclaimed Master of Fear, and if Wayne thought that he could outdo him by holding the benefit within the very walls of the Walkman Home, as the newspaper reported, then he would have to be taught a lesson in the ways of fear. And, of course, it wouldn't hurt that he would be able to steal millions of dollars in the process.

_Step Two:_ _At the last minute before the benefit, have Wayne send invitations to all his guests announcing the change in party venue, explain that the Walkman Home has been deemed "too dangerous." Be sure to do so in enough time to inform all of the guest, but in not enough time to get the news to the media. Then, on the night of the benefit, have yourself and your partner properly stationed._

Scarecrow would use his own reputation to strike fear into the heart of the partygoers. He planned no sneak attack. Instead, he and his henchmen would simply burst into the Walkman Home, with their gas-masks at the ready, of course, and allow fear to fester and spread. As their vehicle pulled to a stop in from of the large, manor home, Scarecrow's brow immediately furrowed. The place was rather dimly lit for a benefit. In fact, the large, slowly falling apart manor looked as if there was not a single light on in the place.

"What's going on, Boss?" one of his larger henchmen grunted.

Scarecrow waved a dismissive hand. "It's probably for the theme of the party. I've no doubt that Wayne has probably based the whole night off the fact that this place is supposed to be haunted. Let's go, boys."

With that, the group burst through the large, double doors of the gloomy manor. Scarecrow had his eyes closed, ready to relish the screams of fear and doubt. However, when no sound came but the whistling of wind though the broken glass of many of the windows, he opened them, staring about. The manor was completely empty. Scarecrow growled.

"They must be further within the manor. Split up and look!" he ordered.

_Step Three: Move stealthily about the manor, slamming doors and shutters on the windows. Have your partner do the same, each of you taking out the henchman when appropriate. However, do NOT shut the main door to the manor yet._

Every slam of a door caused Scarecrow to jump, despite himself. He was at least four rooms inside the manor, and he had heard this noise several times. And, if he wasn't imagining things, he could have sworn he heard groans coming from the other rooms of the manor. He had reached the sixth room inside the manor when he had quite decided that something wasn't right. Whirling on heel, he made his way, at top speeds, back towards the manor's main exit.

_Step Four: After your partner and yourself have taken out all the henchmen, and you've heard Scarecrow head back towards the main door, move into position. Place your partner at the main exit, ready to slam the door in the Scarecrow's face._

Scarecrow could hear the rain that had begun to pour outside. As soon as he broke free of the second room within the manor, he could see it through the doors that he and his henchmen had left open. He was within feet of the exit when, suddenly, the doors slammed soundly in front of him. He screamed, a mix of rage and fear.

"What is this? What's going on?" he demanded to the unseen forces.

_Step Five: Make sure that your partner and yourself deliberately ignore the Scarecrow's questions (if any). When the villain's back is turned away from the doors, swoop down behind him, cape extended. For the next event, please be prepared not to laugh out loud._

A loud clap of thunder, followed by a bright flash of lightning, and a ghoulish—and giant—shadow was cast upon the doors in front of Scarecrow. He screamed… loud and shrilly. Whirling to run, he had mere seconds to realize that there was someone behind him before his face connected with the person's fist. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

_Step Six: After having knocked the Scarecrow unconscious and properly bound him, share in a nice laugh with your partner._

Robin swooped down from his perch above the door, his mouth pressed tightly together. Batman raised a brow.

"What is it, Robin?"

A loud gasp of laughter exploded from the Boy Wonder's mouth as he bent over, slapping his knee.

"Scarecrow screams like a girl!" he managed in between gulps of air.

Even Batman couldn't help but smile at that one.

_Step Seven: As usual, cart back to Arkham. But this time, have a nice laugh about it._

_Special Note One: This method works anytime of the year in a rumored haunted house, but it is found to work best at Halloween._

_Special Note Two: If no thunderstorm is available, it is entirely appropriate to use special effects to create your own. Your call._

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End Notes: Okay, how was that? I hope everyone finds this one funny. Easily, I think this is the longest one in the series so far. So, please review and tell me which villain you would like to see next. Oh, also, I want to say this. I haven't had this problem yet, but I'm going to nip it in the bud before I do. Since this is in the Animated Series section, may I ask that you all only ask for villains that appeared in the series? You've all done that so far, and I'm very grateful for it. Please review!


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